Praise the baby Jesus, I finally found one. (Fixed from last night to actually exclude the username of the guy it is responding to. Shit. Fixed again because the phone app is terrible.)
Please find below: my response to (name removed so people don’t go flinging abuse that isn’t as funny as mine. Or, worse… funnier…)’s response to that thing I wrote that was cool or whatever. I’m gonna preface by saying that it took way longer than I anticipated to find someone saying dumb shit that might be fun to respond to. As a consequence, the drugs began to kick in about an hour ago and are currently blasting full-force through my veins and mind.
yeti-detective: How is this even a thing? I’m a dude. I get it. Girls can be scary. They look just like humans, but they make Weird Things happen in your pants-area. It must be magic. They are the Gargamels to your dick’s whatever-Smurf-your-dick-is. (Sidenote: the makers of The Smurfs…
We need to talk about why-the-fuck-are-we-talking-about-the-friendzone.
We need to talk about people who attempt to derail the conversation by deriding the attempt to have the conversation in the first place.
I experienced something that made me go, “Man. The friendzone is some laughably stupid bullshit.” Then I wrote a laughably stupid blog about it that seems to have connected with some people.
The above article is probably the most succinct example of how fucking dumb this whole outrage against the “Friendzone” has become.
When I first read this sentence I was like, “Wait… does he think the outrage against the actual friend zone, the zone where you are a friend, is dumb? Like, it’s dumb to get mad when someone tells you they want to be your friend. Because then, yeah. I agree.”
Apparently the only way to be “Friendzoned” is to be a horny asshole who only wants to be friends with a woman for their vagina.
I believe this to be true. Has our mystery guest found another, more honorable way? Because someone who has been “Friendzoned,” (I guess we’re putting that in quotes and capitalizing it now,) is someone (person A) who is resentful of another person (person B) for not choosing to give them (A) free access to their (B) sexual organs. You can try to argue that it’s not about sex, it’s about emotions or some bullshit, but you can be emotionally intimate with a platonic friend. The “Friendzone” isn’t a barrier to that. In fact, if facilitates it. If you’re resentful about being “Friendzoned,” you’re resentful about not being given sex you think you are owed. You don’t respect that person’s sexual autonomy, and while I can think of other terms besides ‘horny asshole’ to describe someone like that, they are all still variations on ‘horny asshole.’ So, fucking enlighten me then, sir. How does one get “Friendzoned” if one respects other people’s sexual autonomy?
In reality, the friendzone is very simple and, well, pretty benign:
1. Guy meets girl.
2. Guy and girl become friends.
3. Guy and girl have a lovely time being friends.
4. Guy eventually falls for girl (or vice versa).
5. Guy admits feelings for girl (or vice versa).
6. Guy (or girl) requests that the friendship turn into a relationship.
7. Girl tells guy “I’m sorry, but I only see you as a friend.” (Or vice versa)
8. Guy (or girl) is hurt and disappointed that his (or her) feelings are not reciprocated.
9. Guy (or girl) is now in the “friendzone.”
Wait, we stopped capitalizing…
…so… at what point did that become misogynistic and sexist?
At point 10 where the guy who just got “friendzoned” (dude, you fucking threw me off with your lowercase f’s) calls the girl who rebuffed his affections a bitch, tease who was just leading him on the whole time.
Because if he’s friends with a woman it had better god-damn well be a prelude to his own sexual gratification, or else what the fuck was all the shoulder patting, attentive listening, emotional support for? Why did he go the the trouble of being such a “Nice Guy” if she was never going to fuck him?
And that’s where we’re talking about two different goddamn things, you fucking ass-clown. If the two people in your example ARE going to continue to be friends they’re BOTH going to have to work though that awkward one-sided emotional escalation and restore the balance of their relationship.
Seriously though. Why the fuck must everything be some attack on women?
THAT IS A GOOD FUCKING QUESTION HOLY SHIT! WHY IS ACCESS TO BIRTH CONTROL, A FUCKING MEDICATION THAT TREATS A SHITLOAD OF AILMENTS, A GOD DAMNED POLITICAL ISSUE? WHY IS ACCESS TO SAFE PREGNANCY ABORTION SUCH A DIVISIVE FUCKING ISSUE IN OUR SOCIETY THAT WE CANNOT EVEN DISCUSS IT IN A CIVIL WAY? WHY ARE 1 IN 6 WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFETIME? ASS-DICK!
There is real sexism in the world, actual misogynistic mindsets, terminologies, and attitudes. The “friendzone” is not one of these things.
This energy would be better spent on things like: Why must every interviewer have a shitton of “how much do you weigh” questions for every goddamn girl they interview but with guys it’s like “this is such a complex character - what did you do to prepare yourself mentally for such a challenge?” THAT is some sexist bullshit right there.
This last thing you’ve said is so mind-fuckingly stupid that I literally had to read it eight times before I even knew what in the fuck you were talking about. I was like, “Job interviews? Do girls get asked their weight in job interviews? That is insanely fucked up. I’m pretty sure you could fucking own Applebee’s if you went in for an interview and the manager was like, ‘How much you weigh, cow?’ Wait, I’ve never once been asked about the complexity of my character in an interview. Have I ever even had an interview? What is job?”
But no. You’re talking about celebrity fucking interviews. (Right now my brain is doing the cerebral equivalent of, “Bro, do you even lift?”) You’re telling me that my energy would be better spent on trying to get people who interview celebrities to stop being so sexist.
As if people who write things on the internet don’t talk about celebrities enough.
As if anything I post to fucking Tumblr is going to sway the behavior of someone who works for a network that is under pressure to get ratings from the kinds of people who watch celebrity FUCKING interviews… I can’t… That thought came out of your head. You birthed it. This inbred, cloven-hooved, mutant, withered, still-born antichrist slithered from your mind-womb and you said, “Hell. That looks good. Put that up on tha innernet.”
Since you were so… helpful… as to tell me where to spend my energy, allow me to return the favor. When you see someone attempting to raise awareness of sexism, racism, homophobia, or ANY kind of bigotry, really, do not roll your eyes and go, “Ugh, this again? Let me tell you how that’s actually ok.” When you feel the need to defend something someone else calls out as bigotry, ask yourself why you feel that need. Could you possibly be feeling guilty? Do you think there is a chance you’ve internalized some shitty aspect of society that makes the world a worse place for some people?