b00kworm77:

A spirited back-and-forth of a Christmas Eve (which I didn’t finish until Xmas night.) New Internet Friend, aka Ass-Clown, aka @bookworm77 said we could do this out in the open.

And unless you change your attitude a bit I don’t know that this is going to continue for much longer. Instead of…

1. I have not witnessed you do a single thing ever to merit my respect.

2. Fuck is a grown up word. I will use it in our grown up conversation.

3. I am quite funny. I’m sorry if you didn’t laugh.

Also, congratulations. That was a MUCH better response than your last one. I will engage you. I think the conversation needs to move on, though. I don’t really know what point you’re trying to make. You’ve said the term “Friendzone” isn’t offensive except for to the people it’s offensive to. Only assholes use the term “Friendzone” in that offensive context, but there are no assholes except the ones who exist. I am a circus clown who really just wants to appeal to people so they’ll marry me.

Please state your position more coherently. If it’s “Nobody finds the term “Friendzone,” offensive,” then you’re just balls-on-the-chopping-block wrong, and my ad populem argument wasn’t a fallacy, but a valid refutation of that statement.

If your argument is that I’m a circus clown who just wants to make people smile and like me then, yeah. You’re right. You win that one. I want people to smile and like me. I am that kind of monster.

Actually, I think clowns go to school or something, so comparing me to them is actually an insult to the clowns. I’ve technically dropped out of four colleges.

I think that says something about my character. Probably not something good, but some kind of thing.

Stop trying to make this about me, though, you flatterer. Tell me what it is you’re really trying to say.

And if you really want to piss me off bring up misandry again, because that shit’s as real as fucking ghosts, and I brought my proton pack. Did you?

Please find below: my response to (name removed so people don’t go flinging abuse that isn’t as funny as mine. Or, worse… funnier…)’s response to that thing I wrote that was cool or whatever. I’m gonna preface by saying that it took way longer than I anticipated to find someone saying dumb shit that might be fun to respond to. As a consequence, the drugs began to kick in about an hour ago and are currently blasting full-force through my veins and mind.

yeti-detective: How is this even a thing? I’m a dude. I get it. Girls can be scary. They look just like humans, but they make Weird Things happen in your pants-area. It must be magic. They are the Gargamels to your dick’s whatever-Smurf-your-dick-is. (Sidenote: the makers of The Smurfs…

We need to talk about why-the-fuck-are-we-talking-about-the-friendzone.

We need to talk about people who attempt to derail the conversation by deriding the attempt to have the conversation in the first place.

I experienced  something that made me go, “Man. The friendzone is some laughably stupid bullshit.” Then I wrote a laughably stupid blog about it that seems to have connected with some people.

The above article is probably the most succinct example of how fucking dumb this whole outrage against the “Friendzone” has become.

When I first read this sentence I was like, “Wait… does he think the outrage against the actual friend zone, the zone where you are a friend, is dumb? Like, it’s dumb to get mad when someone tells you they want to be your friend. Because then, yeah. I agree.”

Apparently the only way to be “Friendzoned” is to be a horny asshole who only wants to be friends with a woman for their vagina.

I believe this to be true. Has our mystery guest found another, more honorable way? Because someone who has been “Friendzoned,” (I guess we’re putting that in quotes and capitalizing it now,) is someone (person A) who is resentful of another person (person B) for not choosing to give them (A) free access to their (B) sexual organs. You can try to argue that it’s not about sex, it’s about emotions or some bullshit, but you can be emotionally intimate with a platonic friend. The “Friendzone” isn’t a barrier to that. In fact, if facilitates it. If you’re resentful about being “Friendzoned,” you’re resentful about not being given sex you think you are owed. You don’t respect that person’s sexual autonomy, and while I can think of other terms besides ‘horny asshole’ to describe someone like that, they are all still variations on ‘horny asshole.’ So, fucking enlighten me then, sir. How does one get “Friendzoned” if one respects other people’s sexual autonomy?

In reality, the friendzone is very simple and, well, pretty benign:

1. Guy meets girl.

2. Guy and girl become friends.

3. Guy and girl have a lovely time being friends.

4. Guy eventually falls for girl (or vice versa).

5. Guy admits feelings for girl (or vice versa).

6. Guy (or girl) requests that the friendship turn into a relationship.

7. Girl tells guy “I’m sorry, but I only see you as a friend.” (Or vice versa)

8. Guy (or girl) is hurt and disappointed that his (or her) feelings are not reciprocated.

9. Guy (or girl) is now in the “friendzone.”

Wait, we stopped capitalizing…

…so… at what point did that become misogynistic and sexist?

At point 10 where the guy who just got “friendzoned” (dude, you fucking threw me off with your lowercase f’s) calls the girl who rebuffed his affections a bitch, tease who was just leading him on the whole time.

Because if he’s friends with a woman it had better god-damn well be a prelude to his own sexual gratification, or else what the fuck was all the shoulder patting, attentive listening, emotional support for? Why did he go the the trouble of being such a “Nice Guy” if she was never going to fuck him?

And that’s where we’re talking about two different goddamn things, you fucking ass-clown. If the two people in your example ARE going to continue to be friends they’re BOTH going to have to work though that awkward one-sided emotional escalation and restore the balance of their relationship.

Seriously though. Why the fuck must everything be some attack on women?

THAT IS A GOOD FUCKING QUESTION HOLY SHIT! WHY IS ACCESS TO BIRTH CONTROL, A FUCKING MEDICATION THAT TREATS A SHITLOAD OF AILMENTS, A GOD DAMNED POLITICAL ISSUE? WHY IS ACCESS TO SAFE PREGNANCY ABORTION SUCH A DIVISIVE FUCKING ISSUE IN OUR SOCIETY THAT WE CANNOT EVEN DISCUSS IT IN A CIVIL WAY? WHY ARE 1 IN 6 WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY SEXUALLY ASSAULTED IN AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIFETIME? ASS-DICK! 

There is real sexism in the world, actual misogynistic mindsets, terminologies, and attitudes. The “friendzone” is not one of these things.

Oh

This energy would be better spent on things like: Why must every interviewer have a shitton of “how much do you weigh” questions for every goddamn girl they interview but with guys it’s like “this is such a complex character - what did you do to prepare yourself mentally for such a challenge?” THAT is some sexist bullshit right there.

This last thing you’ve said is so mind-fuckingly stupid that I literally had to read it eight times before I even knew what in the fuck you were talking about. I was like, “Job interviews? Do girls get asked their weight in job interviews? That is insanely fucked up. I’m pretty sure you could fucking own Applebee’s if you went in for an interview and the manager was like, ‘How much you weigh, cow?’ Wait, I’ve never once been asked about the complexity of my character in an interview. Have I ever even had an interview? What is job?”

But no. You’re talking about celebrity fucking interviews. (Right now my brain is doing the cerebral equivalent of, “Bro, do you even lift?”) You’re telling me that my energy would be better spent on trying to get people who interview celebrities to stop being so sexist.

As if people who write things on the internet don’t talk about celebrities enough.

As if anything I post to fucking Tumblr is going to sway the behavior of someone who works for a network that is under pressure to get ratings from the kinds of people who watch celebrity FUCKING interviews… I can’t… That thought came out of your head. You birthed it. This inbred, cloven-hooved, mutant, withered, still-born antichrist slithered from your mind-womb and you said, “Hell. That looks good. Put that up on tha innernet.”

Since you were so… helpful… as to tell me where to spend my energy, allow me to return the favor. When you see someone attempting to raise awareness of sexism, racism, homophobia, or ANY kind of bigotry, really, do not roll your eyes and go, “Ugh, this again? Let me tell you how that’s actually ok.” When you feel the need to defend something someone else calls out as bigotry, ask yourself why you feel that need. Could you possibly be feeling guilty? Do you think there is a chance you’ve internalized some shitty aspect of society that makes the world a worse place for some people?

How is this even a thing? I’m a dude. I get it. Girls can be scary. They look just like humans, but they make Weird Things happen in your pants-area. It must be magic. They are the Gargamels to your dick’s whatever-Smurf-your-dick-is.

(Sidenote: the makers of The Smurfs meant for each Smurf to represent a different kind of dick. There are 99 dick archetypes. Mine’s Vanity Smurf because it’s so god damned beautiful. Yours might be Baby Smurf because it’s so tiny or Fakir Smurf because it’s racist as hell.)

Actually, none of that is true. Girls are normal humans, and I’m pretty sure Smurfs aren’t dicks, though the hats are suspicious. The problem is that when you see a girl your body goes all Breaking Bad and starts manufacturing chemicals that Jack You Up. That’s scary. I know. I overdosed on PCP once.

Before I launch into this I need to say that if you’re a high school kid, and you’re getting “friend zoned,” I do not blame you for being an idiot. You’re going through a lot of bullshit right now, and your body is more like season 4 of Breaking Bad where for a grown man it’s more like season 1 or 2. But read this article and become wiser than your fellow dweebs. Stop fearing girls as capricious and devastating forces of nature and start seeing them as people who are EXACTLY LIKE YOU except with different pants-parts and, in many cases, different shirt-parts.

If you’re a grown man (read: 19 or older, and I’m cutting the 18 year olds a fucking break here) and you get “friendzoned,” then the following words are for you, Friendzone.

Stop it. How is this even happening? What are the events that are occurring? This is what I imagine:

1. You become attracted to a woman.

2. You are friendly to that woman in the hopes she will show you her vagina.

3. She mistakes your friendliness for friendliness and befriends you, neglecting to show you her vagina.

4. You act like a butthurt little asswipe, forever placing yourself firmly outside of the circle on the Venn diagram of dudes she will ever show her vagina to.

5. You complain about it on the internet, and 1000 other maladjusted bro-dudes go, “I know that feel,” and you are validated in your misogyny.

We’ll call that Scenario 1 because there is a second scenario I imagine where “friendzoning” may occur. We will refer to this as Scenario B. (Did that throw you off, Friendzone? Keep on your toes. I am the ninja master in your training regimen to stop being a douche bag.)

1. You become attracted to a woman.

2. You befriend her in a passive-aggressive, it’s-us-against-the-world kind of way.

3. She tolerates that because she’s too nice to tell you, “fuck off, you creep.”

4. She dates an actual interesting guy with an actual personality.

5. They break up, and she hurts.

6. You offer your shoulder to cry on.

7. She cries on your shoulder.

8. She dates another interesting guy.

9. You go, “What the fuck? You cried on my shoulder! Show me your vagina!”

10. She reacts something like, “I thought we were friends, you creepy-ass, fucking creep!”

11. You tell the internet you’ve been friendzoned.

12. The internet validates your misogyny.

So, what’s wrong? You’re a nice guy, right? Why aren’t theses Stupid Whores showing you their vaginas? Probably because you’re too nice. You should be a douche bag like that guy she dated who had interests besides pretending to be her friend while simultaneously trying to eye-laser her pants off. Well, good news: you ARE a douche bag!

Consider something for me. Imagine that I, an incredibly good-looking, nice, eligible man, was walking into a shop ahead of you. As I reach the door I stop to look behind me, and I see you there only a few paces away. So I wait and hold the door. Maybe you say something like, “Thanks, bro. That was really nice.”

To which I respond, “Yeah, it was. Now you know what you have to do, right?” And I take my dick out.

Would that be uncomfortable for you? Would it be unpleasant for you to live in a world where, if a man was nice to you, it meant he expected you to pleasure him sexually? Guess what! That’s uncomfortable for women, too. Isn’t that weird? It’s almost like they’re the same kind of person you are. WEIRD!

No, actually. It’s not weird. It turns out they are the same kind of person you are, and having unwanted dicks around is as horrifying to them as it is to you. So, stop. Stop it with your unwanted dick.

Here’s the hard truth, Friendzone. You’re not a nice guy. You are a gutless, pathetic, sad, horny little worm who’s too afraid of rejection to just tell a woman how you really feel. Your anger when she doesn’t psychically glean your unspoken desires and automatically reciprocate them is actually just you externalizing the disgust you feel for your own cowardice. You think pretending to be friends with a woman will get her to have sex with you because women are sex-objects to you. You can’t imagine a non-sexual friendship with a woman being rewarding in any way because you don’t think of them as whole, real people. It doesn’t occur to her to date you either because your pandering comes of as unchallenging and uninteresting or because your creepiness is obvious and unnerving.

How can you stop being such a douche bag? Well, I suggest forming a friendship with a woman. You’re going to need to find one who can put up with a lot of bullshit, because that’s all you’ve really got to offer at this early stage. A good indicator is if she’s been married a long time or has raised children. Invest time and energy in this relationship WITHOUT thinking about your constant loneliness-boner. Once you have internalized the knowledge that your new friend has thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, AND breasts, take a look around you. Look at the world. Look at all of the people with breasts. Those people are just like her, just like your friend. They, too, have thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. Even the ones you want to fuck. Isn’t the world magical?

Here’s my last advice, Friendzone. People, men and women both, are complex, emotional creatures, and virtually all of them are horny. If you’re honest with yourself and honest with them you will form trusting, open connections with a large network of humans. Those people are called friends. You will be in many friend zones. You will be a better person. Someone will fuck you. Trust me.